Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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