I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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