ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
