She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
