so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
