let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm always down for nudity.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
