just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
