I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
