I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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