just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
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I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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