you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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