I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
