he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Still dying that you shit outside
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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