tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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