Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
