just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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