I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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