I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
