He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
