I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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