I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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