Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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