I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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