he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
