you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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