I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
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It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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