No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
