Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
