Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
