I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
