Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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