i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
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Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
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Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.