Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.