It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
