you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
