I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
