You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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