Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
