You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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