Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
sarcasm needs its own font
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i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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