I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
