my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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