You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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