she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
