my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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