just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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