I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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