I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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