____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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