I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
