you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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