You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You ruined the universe
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