I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
