There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
