I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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