I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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