I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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