This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
