I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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