The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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